live

Dear Dad,

You left me 12 years ago when your battle with Liver Cancer ended. The funny part is that, though I miss you, I feel you never missed a moment. I’ve always wondered when I would write you this letter, and as life went on and I gained more wisdom, I know that NOW is that moment. Our connection was deeper than life, it was more than love, if you could imagine. It was something out of storybooks. Like when you would tell me to close my eyes and think of myself in a field with butterflies while the sun shined down upon me, or how you would not let a day go by without telling me you were proud of me, you were preparing me. Something in you told you that life was not promised and that same something allowed you to live your life as if you were dying. You cherished moments, you held on tight, and you listened to the sound of your children’s voice. You never took it for granted. You were the strongest person I knew and even when the doctors told you that you had two months to live, you told me you would be OK. As I watched the illness take hold of your life, and I watched you LIVE like you were dying, it killed me. To watch you play with your one year old daughter, as you nodded out due to the heavy doses of chemotherapy, I was heartbroken. Yet you still gave it everything you had.

You went to baseball games bundled up and on the sidelines because you were too weak to coach, or you would do grocery shopping and cut coupons because it was all you could do, you inspired me. I held onto you, knowing the hugs would soon end, and it destroyed me. And the day you died, I died, and then, I was reborn. Your death saved my life. I no longer took anything for granted and time was so important. A conversation would become an experience, and a hug from me to my daughter would last my lifetime. I learned what this life was. It was an opportunity to love and to give of yourself so that people would be inspired. Every moment that I was scared or alone, I knew what you would say, I felt your hug and it made everything OK. I am strong because you were fearless. You stared death in the face and smiled. You were strong in your death, how could I be weak in my life? I cannot thank you enough for your courage and your message. These bodies that we have, are temporary, but the energy we leave behind can last beyond time. Your death saved my life, it became my strength, and most of all it gave me the courage that I will one day need, to face MY final moment. Because of you, I live a life full of butterflies and sunshine. I leave a trail of inspiration in hopes that I can help others live. Be thankful for each breath, and remember that there are many that can’t breathe anymore.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF ROBERT LOUIS GARNDER, I KNOW YOU ARE SMILING FROM HEAVEN.